Historical sword fighting manuals identify the lines of attack and defense with numbers, a tradition we extended into stage combat. So, for instance, high and outside (above the waist, dominant side of the body) is the line of three, low and inside (below the waist, non-dominant side) is the line of seven, and so on. There are four lines of attack, each with their own numbered parry (3, 4, 2 and 7), plus three special parries (1, 6 and 8) that cover the same lines with variations, and two more parries for the head (5 and 9).

A fun stage combat drill with single rapier or smallsword is to construct a fight from the phone number of someone in the class, with an attack to the appropriate line for each digit. I’ve probably choreographed dozens of phone number fights over the years.

Which means, every time I hear the 1981 Tommy Tutone classic “Jenny/867-5309,” I imagine it as a series of sword fights.

Here are my original lyrics for a parody to the same tune called “Jenny’s Revenge,” about a woman who’s so sick of random dudes calling her after her ex scrawls her name and number on a bathroom wall, that she starts challenging them to duels and killing them.

Enjoy.

“Jenny’s Revenge”

JENNY:
Since I dumped you, all the boys call me
Hot and bothered, hoping to maul me
You wrote my name and number on the wall
And now they’re dying, but it’s all your fault

GUY ONE:
I heard that you’re a “fun” girl
Can we meet up tonight?

JENNY:
He really wants to Eff me
Doesn’t know that Eff means I’m Down to Fight

JENNY:
867-5309

GUY ONE:
867?

JENNY:
5309 (kills Guy One)

GUY TWO:
Jenny, Jenny, we should get busy

JENNY:
Come on, dude, you don’t even know me

GUY TWO:
I’d make you happy, if you’d just let me

JENNY:
You think you want me, come here and get me

JENNY:
Baby, you called my number
Now I’m going to make you cry
Never forget my number
867-5309 (wound)
867-5309 (wound)
867-5309 (wound)
867-5309 (kills Guy Two)

GUYS:
I hit that, (I tapped that), I tapped that
I called the number on the wall
I hit that, (I tapped that), I tapped that
Bro, you gotta, for a good time, call

GUY THREE:
Jenny, I heard a rumor
You show the guys good times

JENNY:
Honey, it’s not a “rumor”
It’s just a big fat lie
867-5309
867-5309 (kills Guy Three)

GUY FOUR:
Jenny, Jenny, you make me so horny

JENNY:
867-5309 (kills Guy Four)

GUY FIVE:
Jenny, Jenny, please, I’m so sorry

JENNY:
867-5309 (kills Guy Five)

JENNY: [outro]
867-5309 (kills Guy Six)
867-5309 (kills Guy Seven)
867-5309 (kills Guy Eight)
867-5309 (kills Guy Nine)
5309 (kills Guy Ten)
867-5309 (5309) (kills Guy Eleven and Twelve)
867-5309 (5309) (kills Guy Thirteen and Fourteen)
867-5309 (kills Guy Fifteen)